


Sum of Our Parts

by clocky



Series: the frightening prospect of loving and being loved [2]
Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, Queer author, Sex isn't had but there's a bit of feeling up, Trans Character, and lots of talking about it, trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23060197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clocky/pseuds/clocky
Summary: "What--" he began, but his voice was thick with static, and he reset his vocalizer loudly. "What are you doing?""Oh! I'm sorry, best friend," Pathfinder said, quickly pulling his hands away and settling them in his own lap. "Am I moving too fast?"
Relationships: Pathfinder/Revenant (Apex Legends)
Series: the frightening prospect of loving and being loved [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1706431
Comments: 15
Kudos: 141





	Sum of Our Parts

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags in case of triggering content. this is a fic about sex and how it's affected by dysphoria and self-hatred.

Revenant sat cross-legged on the bed next to Pathfinder, their fingers gently entwined on the mattress between them.

He still wasn't used to Pathfinder being affectionate towards him. He couldn't remember anyone ever being affectionate towards him--maybe in his human life, but he couldn't remember the majority of it, not even his name. Certainly no one had ever felt affection for him as a simulacrum--once he was no longer human, the only thing, it seemed, that people felt towards him was fear.

But here he was, holding hands with another robot, on said robot's bed, of all places, while some old animated sci-fi romance that Revenant was not even remotely paying attention to played on the TV.

"I love this part," Pathfinder spoke up, a smiling face with hearts floating around it appearing on his chest screen.

Revenant's breath caught in his throat, and he looked away from Pathfinder, focusing on the TV instead.

Two small robots danced through space on the screen, clearly very in love. Then one suddenly kissed the other, prompting pathfinder to let out a happy sigh. Very sentimental stuff, the kind that Revenant had trouble processing. But it seemed to mean a great deal to Pathfinder, as he had gone on and on all day about the movie while they fought in the games together. Finally they had made it back to their housing and ended up in Pathfinder's room, where they sat down to watch it.

Revenant let out a small "Hm," of acknowledgement. He turned to face Pathfinder, and almost jumped in surprise when he saw that Pathfinder's face was _much_ closer than it had been previously.

"Uh." he said.

"Can I kiss you?" Pathfinder asked.

Revenant's eyes widened. It wasn't as if they had never kissed before. But somehow he got discomposed every time, and it felt like everything he did was awkward and stiff. Pathfinder never seemed to have a problem with it, though. He seemed to enjoy kissing Revenant a great deal, which Revenant just could not fathom--not because he didn't enjoy kissing Pathfinder, he certainly did, even if he wasn't as comfortable with it as Pathfinder was--but he couldn't wrap his brain around the idea that someone could find him attractive, and even enjoy intimate things like kissing him.

Finally, he nodded and leaned forward, Pathfinder also leaning in until their foreheads gently bumped together. They stayed that way for a few moments. Revenant was silent, simply closing his eyes and listening to the faint whirr of Pathfinder's inner machinery.

Pathfinder let out a quiet, content sigh as he finally pulled away, gazing at Revenant affectionately.

Revenant looked down, embarrassed. He didn't know what to say. He never did.

"That was nice," Pathfinder remarked. "But, kissing you is always nice."

Again, Revenant didn't know what to say. He didn't understand why Pathfinder would enjoy doing anything like that with him, especially in this body. He clenched his fists.

"Are you okay, best friend?" Pathfinder asked softly, laying a hand on Revenant's thigh.

Revenant once again almost jumped in surprise at the intimate touch, looking up to see Pathfinder looking at him intently, with a question mark on his screen. Revenant thought about how badly he wanted to touch him back, with real, warm hands, pressing kisses to his neck with soft lips...a shiver ran down his spine, and he shook his head. "I'm fine." He glanced at the TV to see that the movie had ended. Had it been that long? "Do you wanna watch another one?"

Pathfinder hesitated. "Well, best friend, I was thinking about something else we could do tonight."

"What?"

Pathfinder didn't answer, but he slid his hand a little farther up Revenant's thigh, his thumb playing with the frayed edge of his loincloth. His other hand reached around Revenant’s waist to rest on his opposite hip.

Revenant's eyes glowed brighter, and he froze where he was. There was no way that Pathfinder was implying what Revenant thought he was implying. Could MRVNs even have sex? Revenant had no idea.

"What--" he began, but his voice was thick with static, and he reset his vocalizer loudly. "What are you doing?"

"Oh! I'm sorry, best friend," Pathfinder said, quickly pulling his hands away and settling them in his own lap. "Am I moving too fast?"

Revenant wasn't sure how to answer that. "I, uh. Wasn't expecting you to move in that direction at all, I guess. You, uh..." He reset his vocalizer again. "You're...functional?"

"Am I capable of intercourse? Yes," Pathfinder nodded. "I've had sex many times! Sometimes with humans, sometimes with other robots. One time I got together with a Titan, boy was that something!" he laughed.

Something twinged in Revenant's chest at the thought of other people being with Pathfinder--jealousy? He wanted Pathfinder all to himself, even if he didn't want to admit it. He tried to tell himself that that was all in the past. Right now, Pathfinder was with _him_ , coming on to him, hoping to have _sex_ with him. It made Revenant's head spin a little.

"I..." he began, then trailed off. He didn't really want to admit his inexperience, but Pathfinder would surely catch on anyway. "I don't know how," he said bluntly. "I mean, obviously I know how to do it as a human, but not...as a robot." He grimaced inwardly.

"Well, that's no problem!" Pathfinder assured him. "I can show you how. That is, if you want to."

Revenant paused. "...I do. But..." he looked away. "I don't even have any equipment down there," he admitted. "I never...thought about anything like this too hard because it was just one more thing to feel shitty about. Didn't need to be any more dysphoric about this body than I have to be."

Pathfinder was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry, best friend. I know that dysphoria can be very difficult. Bloodhound has that problem, too."

"I know," Revenant muttered. He'd known from the moment he'd set eyes on them--they were the same as him. He'd never talked to them about it, though--he didn't know how.

Pathfinder paused. "If you still want to try having sex," he began, “We can try doing it without actual intercourse. Sometimes it feels good just to touch each other. And it's fun!”

Revenant considered this, then shrugged. "Sure, why the hell not."

Another smiling face appeared on Pathfinder's screen, and he leaned in for another quick kiss before pulling away and gesturing to the rest of the bed. "How would you like to do this? I can assume any position you like."

"Uh." Revenant hedged. "I guess we could just...lie down together maybe?"

"Sure!" Pathfinder immediately lay down on his side facing Revenant, and opened his arms. Revenant hesitated, then laid down with him, letting Pathfinder gather him up into his arms. They stayed that way for a few minutes, Pathfinder's thumb rubbing circles on the small of Revenant's spine.

Revenant still felt incredibly awkward, not even sure where to put his hands. Should he wrap his arms around Pathfinder in return? Should he touch his face? He finally settled for resting them low on Pathfinder's waist as he nuzzled his face into the thick fabric covering Pathfinder's neck. Pathfinder sighed, holding him closer and tangling his solid, blocky legs with Revenant's long, gangly ones.

Revenant felt a wave of panic wash over him as Pathfinder pulled him closer, but he tried to ignore it. _This is Pathfinder. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine._

"Is this okay?" Pathfinder asked quietly, one hand gently sliding across Revenant's body to rest on his hip.

Revenant gripped Pathfinder's waist harder. "Yeah."

"Okay. Tell me if I need to stop, friend." Pathfinder stroked his hip soothingly. 

Revenant nodded in response, and then his breath hitched as Pathfinder stroked the struts that connected his hip to his pelvis. It wasn't arousing, exactly, but it was such an intimate touch, the kind he hadn't felt in hundreds of years. Pathfinder's other hand moved to rest on his inner thigh, and Revenant was hit by waves of both excitement and anxiety. He wanted this, he wanted to be intimate with Pathfinder, but something in the back of his mind was panicking. _You're vulnerable. You can't let yourself be vulnerable._ He felt like he was choking on anxiety, and he tried to ignore the thoughts, but they refused to relent. _You really think Pathfinder enjoys this? He just pities you._

Something in Revenant snapped, and he sat up abruptly. "Get off me! Get off!" he yelled, shoving Pathfinder away from him and pulling his legs in.

Pathfinder almost fell off the bed, knocked off balance by Revenant's sudden push away. "Best friend, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" His screen displayed a sad face and a question mark, and he reached out to touch Revenant's shoulder, only to be swatted away by a clawed hand.

"Don't touch me!" he snarled. He was breathing rapidly, and his hands shook. "I don't need your pity!"

"Pity?" Pathfinder tilted his head, obviously confused. "I don't pity you, best friend. Why do you think I do?"

"Because you're _touching_ me like that, and being so--so _tender_ , acting like you _love_ me or something." Revenant hugged his legs, curling into a ball. "I hate it. I hate it when you do this to me, because I want to believe it's true. And it isn't."

"Revenant..." Pathfinder said quietly. "It is true. I promise. I do love you, and I just wanted to make you feel good. I'm sorry if I overstepped your boundaries, best friend.”

Revenant groaned in frustration, banging his forehead against his knee struts with a loud _clang._ "Don't. Don't lie to make me feel better. No one could love me. I'm a murderer, and my body is disgusting. No one could be attracted to that."

"It isn't a lie!" Pathfinder protested, scooting forward on the bed just a little bit. "I do love you! You're my very best special friend and I would do anything for you! And I--I think your body is gorgeous," he admitted shyly. "I wanted to have sex with you because I'm very attracted to your body, and because I love you and want to be intimate with you. If I moved too fast, I very much apologize, friend. But please don't think that you're unlovable. I love you so much."

Revenant was silent for a moment, staring down at the bed sheets. He sighed. "Don't apologize. It isn't your fault." he mumbled, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I'm just fucked up."

"It's okay," Pathfinder said quietly, resting his hand on the bed close to where Revenant sat, in a silent offering. "But I love you even if you don't believe me. And we never have to have sex if you don't want to. I don't need sex to love you."

Revenant hesitated, then took Pathfinder's hand loosely in his own. "It's not that I don't want to. It's just...this body." He sighed, sounding defeated. "I want you to touch me. I want you to...make me feel good. I want to make _you_ feel good. But it feels wrong in this body." He chuckled darkly. "Then again, it felt wrong when I was a skinbag too. Can't fucking win, I guess."

"I'm sorry." Pathfinder squeezed his hand gently. He wasn't sure what else to say. He understood the idea of dysphoria, and sometimes even wished he were human himself, but he had no idea what it must be like to feel it as strongly as Revenant did. Revenant had also confided in him, once, that he had been transgender when he was a human, and that that had also caused him considerable distress over his body, though he had been able to alleviate some of it through surgery and hormone treatment. Now he was stuck in a body with no sexual characteristics at all, save for his deep voice, and he seemed to be equally as unhappy about it. It made something in Pathfinder's chest ache. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No," Revenant mumbled, looking away. "Not unless you can change my body somehow."

"Well, what would you change if you could?"

Revenant laughed bitterly. "Well, for one thing, I'd have a dick."

"Oh!" Pathfinder seemed a bit taken aback. "I don't know if any of, um, us, have them. MRVNs don't, anyway."

Revenant blinked at him, then narrowed his eyes. "What do you have, then?"

"Oh, um," Pathfinder stammered, a blushing face appearing on his screen. "My interface equipment is really just a bunch of cords and ports. I'm compatible with many different models! It's just how I was built."

Revenant nodded, slowing moving his legs into a crossed sitting position, and glanced down at his lap. "...Why don't I have anything, then?" he asked, envy leaking into his voice.

Pathfinder paused. "I...I don't know."

At that, Revenant chuckled. "Guess they really did only build me for killing. Can't eat, drink, sleep, can't even fuck."

"We can still fuck if you want to," Pathfinder offered, and Revenant's eyes widened. "Sorry, friend, I mean--obviously that would be sometime in the future, and only if you were comfortable with it--what's so funny?”

"I've never heard you say 'fuck' before!" Revenant let out a genuine laugh and smacked Pathfinder gently on the back. "Guess you can get a little spicy after all."

"I'm spicy!" Pathfinder protested, swatting Revenant's shoulder in retaliation. Revenant just laughed again. He seemed considerably more relaxed now, and Pathfinder's screen lit up with a smiling face as Revenant's laughter died down to the occasional chuckle. It warmed Pathfinder's circuitry, seeing him in a rare moment of joy. "I love you, best friend," he told him earnestly, and leaned in closer. "Can I kiss you again?"

"Yeah, sure. C'mere," Revenant said, resting his hand on the back of Pathfinder's neck to pull him closer until their foreheads bumped together. He let out a sigh and squeezed Pathfinder's hand in his own.

"I love you," Pathfinder said again, and Revenant grunted, sounding a bit embarrassed, before pulling away and looking down at their entwined hands. Pathfinder wasn't bothered that he had never said it back. Revenant expressed his feelings in his own way, and maybe someday he'd feel comfortable enough to say the words. For now, Pathfinder was perfectly content with the way things were.

"So, uh," Revenant hedged, rubbing his thumb over the back of Pathfinder's hand. "You said we could still...fuck...sometime," he chuckled again just at the thought of Pathfinder saying the word. Then he steeled himself to look Pathfinder in the eye. "I do want to. I just...need some time."

"I understand," Pathfinder nodded, and gently wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in for a hug.

This time, Revenant didn't panic, instead reciprocating the action and holding Pathfinder close, burying his face in his neck and sighing.

He still had doubts about loving, and being loved, and he still had dysphoria about his body. But just for the moment, none of that seemed to matter any more as he sat there, holding the one person who understood him best. 

“Love you, best friend,” Pathfinder whispered.

Revenant didn't respond, just nuzzled against Pathfinder's neck and wondered how he got so lucky. 


End file.
